it's not beautiful at all. realizing that i am irremediably stuck with who i am and that there's absolutely nothing i could do about it.
now, chill. no ponderous post (again!) here. (for there has got to be a finite amount of dullness in my system, i pray.)
it's just that most of the times, it has become really lumbering just trying to get past my very cynical self. case in point: weeks ago, a friend decided to move to what i instantaneously believed and openly labeled as a seedy neighborhood. my friend cavalierly disregarded my comments, saying he belonged in such a scruffy sector of the city, anyway. and although this looked like that was that, it took me quite a number of days to browbeat myself for my needlessly callous remark.
but today, oh, happy day. it seems - for want of some really incisive phrase - i got freed from any question of all that residual guilt.
i paid my friend a visit today in his new neighborhood which, at cursory look, appears not unlike mine. a spattering of section 8 tenements here and there, the discount food shop that accepts all types of welfare cards, a mexican fruit stall, a laundromat that could easily be run by a korean couple, and the most indispensable chinese take out.
only that my friend's neighborhood chinese take out is kind of peculiar, to put it mildly. a hand scrawled sign was posted on its frosted glass door under a gaudy cut out figure of a well fed, somewhat effeminate, boy playing with red and gold silk ribbons. the sign advertised its apparently one of a kind service "free devilry."
when i got to his place, my friend immediately noticed my smug smile. "what's wrong with you?" he asked. "what's wrong with me?" i asked him back, very satisfied with my cynical self.
